ĠAĦAN’S EDUCATION GUIDED BY MYSTICAL INSIGHTS
By TBA
Saturday after Saturday, the yielding Gaħan is treated to one-page features delving into zodiac mysteries. Thus, L-Orizzont weaves its web of perplexing horoscopes to captivate its readers.
Lately, it was Virgo’s turn to be analysed. Virgo is from August 23 to September 22. Readers were told in no uncertain terms that that the ideal day for the zodiac is Wednesday “waqt li ghandek tevita dak tas-Sibt.” How in the world can anyone avoid a Saturday in a 7-day week? Perhaps by not buying l-Orizzont on Saturday and thus avoid all its farcical predictions. However, just by refraining from tossing a euro over the counter for this newspaper, you’re not avoiding Saturday at all. You’re still stuck with Saturday, every Saturday. If you could avoid a day of the week, your choice could be Monday. But Mondays come repeatedly. They never miss a beat.
It gets worse. Much worse. The newspaper notes that the ideal month is January “waqt li għandek tevita dak ta’ Marzu.” How are the Gaħans expected to avoid March? What are they expected to do when the month comes round the corner? Bury themselves? Where? And do what in their little burrow? When the glorious March 31 comes along, no festivities would beallowed since the Virgo Labourites would still be in the dark enclosure. Nationalist Virgos would be in the same predicament too, but the Nationalists would deserve it for not kowtowing to the GWU.
Then there are magical days to be ready for. They can be loadedto the brim with significance. For September, it’s days “7, 12, 16 u 19. Dawn id-dati jistgħu jkunu ferm importanti kemm għalik personali kif ukoll ghal madwar tieghek. Ghalhekk agħraf!” The resulting implication is to ignore the L-Orizzont for the other days of September. Keep the one euro firmly in your pocket for those other days. But for the four days, the special four days, be alert. They could change the world for those around you even if not for you. L-Orizzont knows how much you care about those around you, from Robert Abela to Byron Camilleri, and all the idiots you allow L-Orizzont to surround you with. “Ghalhekk agħraf!” complete with exclamation mark courtesy of L-Orizzont.
If you’re a “suldat tal-azzar” (translates “blockhead,” originally the head-shaped block used by hat-makers), be patient with your government. It plans for the long term, Robert Abela said a few weeks ago. Pity the government that didn’t foresee a heatwave in the thick of summer and its implications. Nonetheless, be patient. A new moon is due on September 15, the horoscope page informs us: “Din il-fażi tan-new moon se tagħmlek ukoll tagħraf li jekk se tirribella kontra xi sitwazzjoni se tkun qiegħed tagħmel pass negattiv.” Suffer good people. Suffer silently under Labour. Good boy, Gaħan!
For those who want to know more about the horoscopes and superstitions based on the astrological influence of the planets and stars, L-Orizzont refers you to a certain Paul Jon from Paola, complete with his email address and cell phone number.He charges you a fee unless you are one of the lucky ones who get a free voucher. His website describes him as a man who fellinto deep mourning after losing each of his parents, shutting himself in for months without outside contacts, losing a seven-year relationship in the process. He emerged from this, always in his own words, “in April 2015… My spiritual triangle consists of… my loving father and loving mother spirits. This unity gave my life a new dimension… both my parents… makes us a powerful triangle of Spirituality.”
The audacity of nonsense never ceases to amaze us at Fact Check.